Drugs make me sick
Pharmaceutical companies spend a lot of money trying to educate me with their print and television ads, hoping that when I go to the doctor I’ll say something like, “Say, Doc, I saw this ad for . . .” By law, of course, they’re required to mention the cons of a particular drug along with the pros. Unfortunately, the cons are usually mentioned in either very fine print or high-speed whispers, depending on the medium. But if you pay attention, the cons are often a little scary — and naturally the drug companies hate to have to even bring them up.
Let’s take the ad for Clarahexidiphederinomal. It’s supposed to treat either toenail fungus or hardening of the arteries — I forget which. Anyway, the narrator is talking over a series of images showing a sufferer at first experiencing the particular disorder’s symptoms. Then, presumably after taking Lipathorihesididrene, the sufferer is shown happily engaged in some everyday fun activity — hang gliding with grandchildren, for instance. The narrator extols the virtues of the drug, which we cannot go out and buy. The narrator never suggests that we can, though — instead he suggests . . . no, more like instructs us, to ask our doctor about Selamenitholimatum. After all, it’s available only by prescription, and because they give doctors free pens, pads, and vacations, the drug’s manufacturer hopes that merely mentioning the name of the drug to the doctor will inspire him or her to write a prescription for us. It must work, because they spend an awful lot of money on this advertising.
As I mentioned, they have to talk about the cons — and, so, they do: “Warning,” the narrator might whisper in a TV commercial at about 500 words per minutes, “Interformalonitonin works most of the time, but sometimes it doesn’t. And it shouldn’t be used by people with heart disease, people with liver disease, people whose livers might become diseased, or people with livers. It shouldn’t be taken by nursing mothers, pregnant women, women who may become pregnant, women who don’t want to become pregnant and never will, men who might make women pregnant, people who know a pregnant woman, people who’ve seen pregnant women on the street, children, people who have children, people who have been children, people with dogs, and people who wish they had dogs.
“In addition, Phenoraritavitan can cause dry mouth, dry eye, dry rot, wet mouth, wet weather, hives, chives, paralysis, insomnia, drowsiness, chapped lips, a toothache, death, and morning sickness. Do not take with aspirin, candy, food, Flintstones vitamins, or Evian. Also, do not take on an empty stomach and drink a full 8-ounce glass of water or beer, but not Coors Light. Using Philobarbademerol may cause anxiety about the possible side effects from Philobarbademerol use.
“Elevaterol has not been tested on people with heart conditions, diabetes, canker sores, ingrown toenails, liver disease, freckles, or on New York Yankees fans or people who drive Buicks.
“Don’t take Melodramamine if you are taking Elevaterol. Oops. Also, don’t take Histomistivan if you are taking a nap, taking it easy, taking it on the chin, taking out the trash, taking it out on your dog, or taking a break. Most importantly, don’t take Panoramamine if you are sick.”
In one evening, I’ve listened to many such ads, often three in a row. I am never inspired to insist my doctor prescribe one of these miracle drugs. I pray I don’t come down with something. And if I do, I know what I’ll take to relieve the symptoms — a slice of pizza, which, as everyone knows, is good for what ails you.
Liberal Buzz 